McHappy memories of trips to the city

Last week a guy in Wisconsin gobbled down a Big Mac.

No biggie, Mac. We've all done it.

But this guy has done it 25,000 times. Yup. 25,000 Big Macs and counting.

Apparently he's skinny. In good shape. Cholesterol is low. Clean bill of health.

I'm not skinny. Round is my shape. Cholesterol numbers unavailable (my doctor had a stroke when he read them, so I've never seen the test results). And I eat vegetables. Even the gross ones. Honey, toss that skinless chicken breast in the garbage, we're dining at Mickey D's tonight.

And doctors went on the record at the time of the record-breaking burger saying they don't recommend this type of diet.

McDuh.

Honestly, I couldn't care less about this guy ingesting two Big Macs every day. That's what he does. And what does he get for it? The McDonald's in his hometown put up a sign under the Golden Arches that read, "Congrats Don Gorske 25000 Big Macs."

Wow.

Now that's something for committing your life to this multi-million dollar company to the point where your doctor draws blood out of your arm, and comes up with a vial of Special Sauce.

But it is what it is.

I'm not going to lie. I love Big Macs. Have no problem eating them cold for breakfast. In fact, I like to do that.

And this obsession with cold Big Macs began in elementary school in the late 1970s. In Arnprior and Renfrew, there were no McDonald's to be found. So, when you went on a school trip to Ottawa (as opposed to the only two school trips taken further into the Valley - the Bonnechere Caves and the ever-exciting Petawawa Forestry Station), you couldn't care less about visiting the museums. But a road trip to the city was exciting for one reason: there were McDonald's restaurants in the city.

So whenever I came home with a permission slip for a school trip to Ottawa, my brother was in my face waving a $20-bill ... wanting an armload of Big Macs. I was the only kid on the museum-bound bus with a full-size Igloo cooler. After all, a Big Mac didn't cost close to 5 bucks like it does today, so $20 went a long way.

And remember those funky old styrofoam containers from back in the day?

So when I came home with a wheelbarrow full of Big Macs, some obviously went into the fridge.

And under the shroud of darkness, I would sneak into the fridge and scarf down as many cold Big Macs as I could before brothers or sister woke up.

And the sad part was, when we were quizzed by the teacher the next day about the trip to the museum, I was lost.

Teacher: What did the native Canadians eat while on their long canoe voyages?

My answer: Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions all on a sesame seed bun.

(That's easy for me to say ... check out this old 1970s commercial)

Try to stop singing this - I dare you!

Sometimes in this world, few words are needed.
Such is the case when it comes to this video.
A true classic.
Bugs Bunny and a fiddle. Does it get any better than that?
Just try and get the tune out of your head.
For the past hour I've been singing "Grab a fence post hold it tight, whomp your partner with all your might ..."
If this doesn't make you smile, get yourself to a doctor, ASAP.
And yes, when you walk in, feel free to say - "What's up, Doc?"

Comfort and lack of style

Have you ever driven in a car that is so comfortable that you feel like you're sitting in your favourite chair in your living room?

If so, then you probably took a test drive in Chevy mini-van.

Most likely the modified version where some idiot removed the front passenger seat and replaced it with a rocker-recliner.

Like any good Valley boy, I tell you no lies.

The OPP sent out a press release this week about seat belts and how important it is to buckle up. In that release, they refer to this clown from Wendover (near Prescott and Russell - NOT in the Ottawa Valley. Repeat: NOT in the Valley) who plucked the seat out of a van and threw in this recliner.

According to the OPP, this isn't such a good idea. Something about it not being bolted to the floor of the vehicle. Could get killed if you crash. Blah. Blah. Blah.

Two things burn me about this:

1) If you're going to put in a recliner, think comfort. That chair looks like he found it in a ditch somewhere. Probably thrown out when my granny cleaned out her living room circa 1978 and removed all chairs that had the type of upholstery (refer to: "wool" in your dictionary) that caused severe itchiness and reeked of Peter Jackson cigarettes and mothballs.

2) Any intelligent person knows that a recliner needs to recline. There's simply no room to put your feet up in that van. Sheesh. Some people are so stupid.

No beer at the fish shack? WTF?

Tell me! Who said we can't drink? Tell me!

The OPP sent out a press release this week to those who have fish shacks (aka ice shacks).

In a nutshell, the release says: drinking booze at a shack is illegal. It's not your home. You don't have a permit to drink there. So it's a no-no. And they'll be watching for those who are tipping back anything other than pop, coffee or lake water.

Do the cops have nothing better to do that send out crap like this?

What a waste of time.

It's enough to drive a man to drink.

Of course, anyone who has spent time at a fish shack knows you don't go there to drink beer. Or whiskey. Or rum. Or vodka. Or Caesars that were mixed in an old Igloo cooler that sits on the top bunk.

Of course not. It's the last thing you think of doing at the fish shack.

I remember racing out to the shacks on White Lake back in the day, on a Friday night in January, so we could all sit around playing bridge, snacking on little crustless cucumber sandwiches and brewing a pot of chamomile tea.

Come on. No drinking at the fish shack? WTF?

At the colony of shacks on White Lake, one guy didn't even cut a hole in the floor of his shack. It wasn't built for fishing. It was built for drinking. Getting away from all the crap and hoisting back beverages all weekend.

Now the cops are saying it's a no-no.

Then a follow up report in the Ottawa Sun says the release is confusing people who thought it was legal to drink in your shack. And I was one of them.

Drinking and driving - not cool. Drinking and snowmobiling - not cool. Being able to park your vehicle, sit in the shack and have a few cocktails and spend the night (or get a lift home with a DD) - very cool.

Put the energy into the RIDE programs and getting drunks off the road, the snowmobile trails and the water.

Cops should be fishing for drunk drivers, not driving fishermen to drink.

Photo at right: Now that's a fish shack where the owners may have a beer or two.