Bacon. A love story.

There are few things in this messed-up world that you can count on to make things better.
Actually, we can narrow that list to one: bacon.
Yup. Bacon makes everything better.
Me: "I'll have a cheeseburger."
Waitress: "Would you like bacon on that, sir?"
See what I mean? Say it. Bacon cheeseburger. Ohhh man.
Another example:
My better half: "My mother is coming for a visit."
Me: "Dammit!"
My better half: "She's bringing bacon."
Me: "When do I pick her up?"
Bacon even makes mother-in-laws tolerable.

But the world is actually going hog-wild for bacon. There are very few places you can go today without finding something bacon related.
After a quick online search, it's easy to see that bacon ain't just for breakfast anymore.
In fact - if you play your cards right and follow the pics below, you can woo a bacon-lovin' woman and be makin' your own bacon with her in no time.
Good luck!





You can't go out with your breath smelling like spearmint if you hope to find a mate.

And we all know flossing is more important than brushing.

Just in case brushing and flossing aren't enough.

Still with hygiene. Make sure to scrub behind your ears. Women hate smelly ears.

Just in case you cut yourself shaving.

And throw this in your pocket just in case you get a little action.

Can't just smell good, you need to look good too. Accessories. Women notice these.

And every person who knows fashion knows belt matches wallet.

And ideally, watch matches belt and wallet. Don't tell me you didn't  know that.

And belt, watch and wallet must match shoes.

Ideally, your socks match your shoes.

And never show up for a date empty handed.

Bacon flowers alone don't cut it. Women love chocolate too.

 

Better consider some candles in case she comes back to your place. Always set the mood.

Keep some of this in the bathroom. Just in case you need to freshen things up.

If you and your date decide to stay in, you can make burgers with bacon in a bottle.

Or perhaps she'd just like a delicious bacon sandwich.

Don't forget the Baconnaise. Hell no. Make sure you put the Baconnaise on the table.

And the salt. Can't have a bacon sandwich without extra bacon salt.

And don't forget the beverages. No calories in Diet Coke. Calorie-free bacon. Mmmmm.

Or maybe she wants something that packs more of a wallop. A bacon-flavoured wallop.

If she drinks enough bacon vodka, she'll be Footloose enough to start picturing you as a piece of Bacon.

Chicka chicka bow bow. No need to say anything else, dim the lights and get busy.

Too much bacon vodka. You should have wrapped your little pork sausage in bacon.

Now look what you're buying at the grocery store, Romeo.

Next thing you know, your grandkids are in school and posing for Picture Day. Time flies. But you still have bacon.

BUT EVENTUALLY, A LIFETIME OF EATING BACON CATCHES UP TO YOU.
MAY YOU FOREVER REST IN PIECE (OF BACON).
AMEN, BROTHER. AMEN.

 

WTF is that? Put a bend in that ball cap brim.

If I managed a business, I'd have this sign over the entrance.

As folks from the Valley grow older, one thing becomes clear - they don't mess around when it comes to getting to the point.
So now that I'm closer to 50 than I am to 30, I won't waste your time stickhandling around the issue.
In all my bluntness of rapidly approaching middle age, here it is:
I don't care if you're a rapper from the West Coast, a Cy Young Award-winning pitcher, a Bieber or some kid hanging out at the Bayshore mall trying to disguise the fact you're a candyass.
You simply don't wear a ball cap with a flat peak.
And for the love of all that is holy, don't even get me started about wearing a flat-peaked cap that it turned on an angle. Add a price sticker on the brim and I almost blow a blood vessel in my eye.
This little tirade was triggered by a kid I passed on the street corner the other day. The crack of his arse was hanging out of his pants and he was sporting a ball cap twisted to the side with a peak that was "flatter than piss on a plate" - as the old Valley guys would tell you.
What was more disgusting - seeing his arse or the ball cap? Both were equally revolting.
I just cringed and worked the perfect crease in my ball cap a little bit more. But what I quietly wanted to do was kick him so hard in the arse that his belt line would land somewhere around his waist and his cap peak would bend to the shape of the top of my boot.
I was young once too - but my fashion faux pas in the 80s was stone-washed jeans, skinny leather ties, Cougar boots with the red lining, untied high-top white sneakers with the tongues hanging out and shorts in the style of Jack Tripper. But never, ever, ever did I desecrate the ball cap.
So as a Valley guy who is sporting a few more gray whiskers than I used to, I'm arriving at a point where I don't have time to waste keeping my opinions to myself.
In fact, I feel so strongly about the ball cap brim issue, that I need to point out that some of the best athletes at the 2012 Summer Olympics in London were sporting ball caps with perfectly bent peaks. I've included a photo for proof. As you can see, the beach volleyball player on the other side of the net has a perfect bend in her cap.
As I said at the beginning, no sense wasting time. Just get to the point and let the world know what's on your mind.


Note the perfectly bent peak in the volleyball player's cap.