|If I managed a business, I'd have this sign over the entrance.|
So now that I'm closer to 50 than I am to 30, I won't waste your time stickhandling around the issue.
In all my bluntness of rapidly approaching middle age, here it is:
I don't care if you're a rapper from the West Coast, a Cy Young Award-winning pitcher, a Bieber or some kid hanging out at the Bayshore mall trying to disguise the fact you're a candyass.
You simply don't wear a ball cap with a flat peak.
And for the love of all that is holy, don't even get me started about wearing a flat-peaked cap that it turned on an angle. Add a price sticker on the brim and I almost blow a blood vessel in my eye.
This little tirade was triggered by a kid I passed on the street corner the other day. The crack of his arse was hanging out of his pants and he was sporting a ball cap twisted to the side with a peak that was "flatter than piss on a plate" - as the old Valley guys would tell you.
What was more disgusting - seeing his arse or the ball cap? Both were equally revolting.
I just cringed and worked the perfect crease in my ball cap a little bit more. But what I quietly wanted to do was kick him so hard in the arse that his belt line would land somewhere around his waist and his cap peak would bend to the shape of the top of my boot.
I was young once too - but my fashion faux pas in the 80s was stone-washed jeans, skinny leather ties, Cougar boots with the red lining, untied high-top white sneakers with the tongues hanging out and shorts in the style of Jack Tripper. But never, ever, ever did I desecrate the ball cap.
So as a Valley guy who is sporting a few more gray whiskers than I used to, I'm arriving at a point where I don't have time to waste keeping my opinions to myself.
In fact, I feel so strongly about the ball cap brim issue, that I need to point out that some of the best athletes at the 2012 Summer Olympics in London were sporting ball caps with perfectly bent peaks. I've included a photo for proof. As you can see, the beach volleyball player on the other side of the net has a perfect bend in her cap.
As I said at the beginning, no sense wasting time. Just get to the point and let the world know what's on your mind.
|Note the perfectly bent peak in the volleyball player's cap.|