G'Day From The Valley

Good morning class.Welcome back to Learning to Speak Valley 101. In today's class you'll learn words and phrases that will be vitally important if you are to understand what in the hell that Valley guy or gal is talking about.

This special class is geared towards Valley folks and how they describe a weekend of "celebrating" in a way that includes alcohol.

In other words - today's class will help you to learn just how much "celebrating" someone enjoyed by the way they describe their weekend.

You can learn to tell if it was a tame, wild or (not-so) memorable party.

Here's how you can tell:

Tame Weekend

If someone tells you they:

• Enjoyed some cocktails
• Tipped back a few pints
• Downed a beverage or two
• Scarfed down a few barley sandwiches
• Emptied a few brown bottles

Example: "We were at a family barbecue and it was pretty low key - the wife enjoyed a few cocktails and I tipped back a few pints. Then we played euchre with the in-laws. Just sitting with the mother-in-law made me want to empty a few more brown bottles, but I didn't."

VERDICT: Tame weekend (with sympathy to the poor SOB)

Wild Weekend

If someone tells you they were:

• Hammered
• Boiled
• Shnockered
• Pickled
• Loaded
• Three sheets to the wind (if they're in their 50s or older)
• Lit up
• Blistered
• Tanked
• Ripped to the t*ts
• Sloshed
• Inebriated
• Pie-eyed
• Bent out of shape
• Soused
• Liquored up
• Well lubricated
• Smashed
• Totally stoopid
• Smashed
• Mashed
• Plastered
• Bombed
• Buggered up
• Comatosed
• Twisted
• Wrecked
• Messed up
• S**t-faced
• Feelin' no pain
• Destroyed
• Hugging the porcelain

Example: "I had a couple of pints and when I started feelin' no pain, out came the shooter menu. An hour later I was well lubricated and decided it was time for the whisky. Next thing you know, I was shnockered and feelin' totally stoopid. By 3 a.m., I was hugging the porcelain and, man, did that cold toilet bowl ever feel nice against my face."

VERDICT: A wild night. No doubt he remembered the beer and the shooter menu coming out. But his spouse won't let him forget the rest of the night, including the bits he left out about stripping down to his shorts and flexing while standing on a barstool. She'll keep reminding him. For a long time. A loooooong time.

ONE FOR THE AGES

It was simply an epic weekend if someone tells you they:

• Will pay you back every dime you spent on bail
• Aren't 100% sure, but think they got married
• Wonder if you could help them read what their new tattoo says
• Hope you could tell them where they left their pants
• Are pretty sure they had two eyebrows when the weekend began
• Really hope you can drive their new friend Kandi Kane (as in: "Gentlemen, put your hands together for the lovely Kandi Kane") home as you seem to have misplaced your car and are reluctant to ask your girlfriend
• Feel as brain-dead and clueless as a Maple Leafs fan

Example: "Man, what day is it?"

VERDICT: Run to the computer and type your name on YouTube to see what you did last weekend.

(Disclaimer: We are no way endorsing drinking to excess. Trust me, you don't want to end up as brain-dead and clueless as a Maple Leafs fan)