Attention all earwigs who regularly read this blog: beware. I am declaring war on you and all of your freakin' relatives.
Yup, you read it here first.
The war has begun for the liberation of Marshall-land.
It's not going to be pretty. In fact, it's going to get ugly. But I will be victorious.
And children will read about this bloody battle in their history books, and look at this as a turning point in world events - the day that man proved he was smarter than insect.
For the past few weeks, an army of earwigs has desceneded on my house. They occupy my dishcloth. They have set up camp near my garbage can. They use my kitchen sink as an exercise area. They have claimed any bag of chips or loaf of bread that sits open on my countertops.
And I am not alone.
After an exhaustive campaign to find out if anyone else in the neighbourhood has been invaded, I realize this earwig blitz is not limited to my place. Actually, I only emailed one person - but in the recent heat, even typing was exhausting. But this person also has earwigs running around his house.
But not for long.
I have had it with earwigs scurrying across my kitchen floor. I need to take it up a level.
I have Googled. I have drawn up a blueprint for war.
What exactly will I do? I'm starting off old school: stomping, squishing and squashing. But I will be relentless.
I have won the battle with ladybugs. I have taken out the flies. Now the earwigs are in my crosshairs.
If you have any other ideas on how to get rid of this little bastards, just let me know.
Forward ... march!